I could feel at the time
There was no way of knowing
Fallen leaves in the night
Who can say where they are blowing?
(More than This :: Roxy Music)
I am in a constant state of trying to understand what I am doing. As if my actions are a whole, separate, other part of me that my brain has to stop and shake itself at, saying things like What are you trying to get across here.
This happens a lot in writing.
There are scenes, when writing, that you’re not sure if they need to be written. They seem sort of useless and uninteresting and every time you sit down to write them, they somehow fall short of what you anticipated from your style. It is missing flourishes and interesting patterns in word choices. Instead everyone moves around as if their knees are locked and they’ve got wooden spoons in their mouths.
Maybe it’s not you, but, it is me.
I’ve written this scene three times by now. Really. An entire three times and it always comes out the same. There are mean people and they cause chaos, because, it seems to work best when there is a problem right off the bat in the story – at least, some bit of action I can then take a well deserved rest from for a while, but, I need that action up front. I like physicality, so, there’s a fight. But, really, it just ends up boring and wasteful and all of my main character’s friends are bland. I would send them on a train and get them out of my apartment if I were him.
So, I’ve learned after all this, I do not want this scene in my story and yet, AND YET, I have no idea what should go there instead. I am running under the suspicion I won’t know what should go there until I’ve written the rest of the thing. That’s a lot of moments from now, though, and for now, I need something there, don’t I. I could leave a big empty hole, or, I could write it anyway and just see how I can replace it later.
Eventually I’ll figure it out, right?
So I wrote it, in all it’s broken ankle and pasted-on-word glory. It’s two-thousand more words then it needs to be, but, it exists, and now I can leave the diner and let the main characters sort of fall in infatuation with one another. I can go back to discussing the sticky humidity of the streets and the sweat collecting on the creases of their noses. And later, I can drive right through it with my car full of better ideas and unload the contents of the trunk in a blinding-bright-and-better manner.
For now though, I’m letting it be.
That’s some kind of process all it’s own.
—
I’ll admit to never listening to Roxy Music before I accidentally, somehow, ended up with this track on my playlist. Can we call it somewhat fortunate? I finally feel on-point with what people anticipate me to listen to, I guess…
11 Comments
I have no helpful suggestions, I go through this all too often myself. I write something and instantly think, "Bleah, this is awful. This is not at all what I wanted." I feel the frustration!
It is such a strange thing when it comes out like a stick figure version of what you're used to writing! I don't understand it. I'm like "WHERE IS THE STYLE GUYS? DID YOU HIDE IT UNDER THE RUG?"
I mean, the only way is to push through. I guess I cramp up under longer-worded stories, to be honest, so, the only way for me is to edit the love back into it, but, for now, it has to stand like some sort of limp thing.
I am almost glad you feel may pain, so we can be miserable together, or something. I least I am pleased with the two scenes (mini scenes?) that come before it, which is better than I was doing before!
It's hard to shut them up, but if you can, turn off that internal editor while you write. The day I perfect this will be the greatest, most productive day of my life. I managed it, just, for my book back in November, and although it's 60,000 words of extraneous scenes, there's stuff in there I can salvage when I throw away the rest.
It's insane, really. I had a long, long and important conversation about exactly this yesterday afternoon, after the bff read what I have written for TFB. In my case, though, it was the scenes I hadn't written. What was missing. Gaps. It's such a struggle, finding what needs to be written and what doesn't.
It's not just you. It's me too. I'm in the same place with Volunteer Vampires. It doesn't help that my rough first scene doesn't do nearly enough to go into the predicament of the characters' physical current physical state and I keep thinking about it. Alas. I told myself I'd get out the skeleton first and then go back and add the vampire-ness. I just need to move on. Pfeh.
I'm generally ALRIGHT with the internal editor, but she snickers in the background saying YOUR STYLE AINT RIIIIGHT and I dunno, it feels well past the internal editor struggle and more like YOU CAN'T DO WHAT YOU THINK YOU CAN DO, YOU MUST PRACTICE MORE.
Siiigh.
Extraneous scene to cut out would be nice though. I don't have that yet either. haha! (Good luck, that's a lot of words to cut out)
that is also a big one. do we document every waking moment and if we don't, how are we sure which are important?!
ADDING IN THE VAMPIRENESS, this is exactly the feeling I have when I am writing. They come across so wooden, these characters, b/c they are missing what makes them, well, them. the world is flat. i need to go in and add the sparkle, but, if i wait to long and dont' do it, well, everything else tumbles afterwards as well.
and when your character is 25 when you start writing, and is supposed to be over 800 years old when you're done, it's even harder to decide.
When things like this happen in my writing, I try to let it be and just go back later like you did. What else can you do? Who knows – you may figure it out suddenly when not really thinking about it at all, or something else might happen to the characters and you can add it there, as in retrospect.
Right now, I am struggling with this one poem I'm writing, and I can't come up with a good title for the life of me. Can I send you it so you can figure it out for me? THANKS.
you know you can always email me stuff :) i may not be able to give you the title you'd like tho :D
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