The entire month has been lost. I am not entirely sure where it went, really. It has gone somewhere in a haze of doctor visits, hard decisions, socializing with people I haven’t seen in months, preparing for my vacation to New York City in April and endless streams of soccer games on ESPN.
I feel like I am coming out of it with my eyes fogged up, scratching at them with nails that have grown longer than I anticipated. Something like that man who slept under the tree for a hundred years or however that story goes.
It is hard to describe Broken Nerves in a mouthful and what I am trying to do here, which is likely why I haven’t given it much of a thought in the past few months. In truth, I am trying to deal with a lot of stuff in my own life, hiking over stumbling blocks. I am working the courage up to learn how to drive, I am trying to figure out what I’d like to do with my life, I am helping take care of my Grandmother who has been sick since November and just has not gotten better.
I am trying hard to not sink into the overwhelming prospect of all of this combined. Trying hard to figure out how to put this all in a way. Here. Open, honest and clean.
I’m hoping to be better about things before April. Maybe we will wake up to April 1st with All New Things.
♥
6 Comments
Maybe it isn't about explaining what Broken Nerves is. I think it's about showing what it is with every entry. I know what kind of pressure there is in caring for a grandmother, I've done it the last year and a half. I know what it's like to float in space, meaningless and directionless, not knowing why you're here or how to find out.
You have it right: just be honest. But be careful to be honest with positive energy, or you'll sink to the bottom of a dark ocean, weighed down by all the anxiety and fear of not knowing what to do. I dont want you to feel helpless.
If you feel the weight of several things, try to deal with them one at a time; don't try to keep too many plates spinning. I cannot claim to know you but if you are simlar to the person I suspect you to be, I have confidence you will find a path and will indeed find 'All New Things'.
On a purely anecdotal note, I too found building the courage to learn to drive very difficult as I approached it following a life-changing illness and also I was in my 30's (most people in UK learn at 17). After an initial 'lesson of terror', I soon found myself enjoying the process of learning. I hope you can do the same. Best of luck with everything. My thoughts are with you :-)
I try to be positive in everything I do, can't stand or handle negativity – it is bad news all around.
Not helpless, just often vaguely flustered, with bouts of tiny happiness because in general, my world is a good and wonderful place.
Let's see where we go from here, hrm?
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It is really inspiring to hear that someone almost as old as I am, who waited as long as I did (for the most part) was able to pack up their brain and do it. I need to do it. I sort of have no hope otherwise.
I have been quiet for a while now, but I started following your blog thanks to Joseph and enjoy a lot of what I find over here. Again, I don't think you need to define what your particular space is, what Broken Nerves is, because it does speak for itself, as all things should – given the space and time. That said, I look forward to all your future posts, which I am sure will be just as well written and thought provoking. PS; Since I see you live in Florida, too… I completely understand where your fear of driving stems from. Half of the people on the road are completely insane and you have to be partially insane to join in the madness. Good luck, though. Best, Angela.
Hello! It is a pleasure to meet you :)
It isn't mostly explaining to other people what this is about – mostly myself I am a person of set constraints, on some occasions. I like to know what I am working with. I have to define things, even for myself, even if i never tell anyone what that definition is. Which, I think, is okay. Sometimes. Haha! I tend to go overboard…
I am glad you have come around and spoken up – I hope to hear from you again. I'll keep trying to write things to give you reason to come around :)
(And yes, Joseph and I are locals, which, makes sense)
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